Every now and then someone will leave a comment or write me privately off the blog asking of advice or simply needing some comfort. I had two such comments recently and I thought I should address them in a post because after I wrote out the responding comment it was so long it deserved a post.
Recently someone posted asking the below question:
Rupa, please, tell me what else your shrink told you regarding attracting true love into your life. I am at a crossroads, not knowing whether or not I want to be single or want to be in a relationship. I've been happy, single and independent for a loooooong time. Then for a short time I lived with a man whom I recently lost. I am still recovering from that - trying to forgive and forget. We both did some pretty crazy things to each other, but I got more affected by it all than him because this was my first real, live in relationship. Now, I'm not sure if I want to be happy and single again or happy and coupled. Sometimes I even consider trying to get him back, even though at our cores, we were not compatible. Still, I miss the "togetherness". How to know if one is meant to be in a relationship or not? How to attract the perfect mate? Agggggggghhhhhhh! The agony of it all!!!
My answer:
My gosh slow down my friend. I’m a strong believer that if you walk away from a toxic lover there is zero reason to go back. He isn’t the only man in the world. There are other men. The biggest advice my shrink gave me and many a sensible girlfriend is that ‘you have to believe in your heart you deserve a good man, who treats you with respect and kindness and love, and you have to hold out for that man’. And no he won’t be an otherwise perfect mate in all respects but just perfect for you.
My husband is a good man, loving, caring, a well provider. He’s however a procrastinator and I need to fill in for that void. He’d much rather be a bum, scratch his butt, not shave and sit on the couch and watch whatever sport is on even though when pushed and inspired he absolutely has the best time doing other things. I need to provide that push and inspiration. I’m hot and short tempered and not the best person to do the talking in a heated situation. He needs to fill in that void. I’m good with finances, bad with laundry. He takes care of that. I’m fairly Republican, he’s quite Liberal. And we argue about it all the time. Neither of us is perfect and with the wrong partner we’d be unbearable, but we are perfect for eachother.
So throw out the notion of finding the “perfect mate”, there is no such thing. The perfect mate may not like the same things you do, and may not always see eye to eye with you but he will always treat you with respect, consideration and like a gentleman.
Secondly there is no rule or law of the land anywhere that telsl you you need to choose between being in a relationship or not. The right way to do it is to cross the bridge when you get to it. That's not just the right way but the healthy way. If you are single now, heal yourself from your hurt and enjoy being single. Just because one relationship was wrong doesn't mean the one that comes around next would be as well. If you approach life with that negativity you won't find love. Your heart has to be open for it. I loved being single and enjoyed every minute of it. As has my husband. I'm glad for it. When the right man comes along you'll be open to love and a relationship with him. Why do you need to choose at all?
Remember life is very very long (some people like to believe it’s short), if you are a young person with your whole life ahead of you you are doing disservice to yourself by wondering if it’s better off being single. Even being single looses it’s charm when everyone around you starts getting coupled and having babies and moving on with life. Not that that should be the end all of anyone’s existence but there is progression in life, don’t fight it. We as humans need, crave and deserve love. Don’t shut yourself from it.
Another post by Anisha from a little while ago deserved a response:
rupa thank you for this post. it really helped me to put in perspective some of the things my mil has done to me like ranting for two consecutive days about the fact that her son emptied the dishwasher and started the washing machine plus nit picking on every little thing that i do. it was all so traumatic for me because this is the first time in my life i've encountered something like this. i told my husband she needed to see a shrink but i had no idea that this sort of behavior is so common in
it's just so sad that generations of men and women propagate this negativity however, as you said hopefully attitudes will change in the future.
I’m sorry it took me this long to respond. At first I thought about whether I should respond with something and then it slipped me but I think you deserve a response. I could recant for you mother in law tales that would make you think your mother in law is an angel sent from heaven. I have girlfriends who are absoultely wonderful wives, mothers, homemakers, daughter in laws and overall good Indian girls and let me tell you their mother in laws are total bitches.
I have often wondered how sad it is that these mother in laws don’t realize how lucky they are and what if they’d gotten a sharp tongued, quick witted, curt and to the point daughter in law like me. I’d probably drive them to jump out the window. But that’s life. With all my fiestiness and might I ended up getting a sweet mother in law. She’s overbearingly sweet but wicked, cunning and a bitch she is absolutely not. And when I was in
I can tell you this, from all my observations I have realized that something happens to mothers when their sons get married. There obviously is something emotional mental happening that is hard for you and I to explain because we aren’t in their shoes but the behavior is consistent with so many examples I’ve known. I’m sure it’s difficult for them to see another woman in their son’s life or perhaps it’s hard to watch what she did for him be replaced by someone else.
Yes a mother and wife aren’t equal for all intents and purposes but in a lot of ways the roles are very similar and when a man gets married he lets go of so much of that relationship with his mother and starts it with his wife. I’ll give you an example. Himanshu used to discuss a lot of things about his career and finances with his mother before I came along. But now he simply doesn’t. Is he being cruel? Not at all, it’s just life’s transition. But does she feel the effects of it? Absolutely. And I can imagine she has her moments where she feels she has no value for him because she is neither providing him with sustenence (food/caring) nor providing him with support (mental/emotional) that she did in the past and it I’m sure leaves a definite void in her life.
Be patient with your mother in law. She’s probably going thru her own emotional upheaval about the new relationship in his life where she isn’t needed in the same capacity as before. It’s highly possible she will adjust and eventually accept the change and also quite possible that she will continue to be angry about it and it will manifest itself in bad ways towards you.
The key is to realize you can only control your actions and not her. However I strongly suggest that you do keep an open line of communication with your husband about what is happening. Don’t hide from the feelings, don’t not speak up but also don’t tell him his mom needs to see a shrink. What she may be feeling is perfectly normal though how she is reacting to it may not be. If he becomes more aware of her actions he might be able to control the situation better. When she whines about you making him work in the house he should speak up and say “it’s his house too and that he doesn’t need his wife’s permission to work in it” or something to that effect. Humor and to the point but make a point.
Another example I’ll give you. Being newly married we constantly struggle for space from my husband’s family. They would rather us live with them, and sleep in our bed I feel sometimes to “comfort us” and “take care of us”. It can be stifeling despite the attention coming from the right place in the heart. He and I work extremely long hours so quality time with each other is scarce and when families impose on you continually with no break it can cause a lot of disconnection between two spouces.
When he recently admitted that he felt stifled himself and it would perhaps help to talk to his parents I told him he was crazy. That would just be cruel. They don’t deserve that. It would be jerky to say “Mom dad I know you really miss us and want to see us but we don’t really care to see you all the time.” The sensitive and sensible way to go about it is to point by example. Make a point when a action takes place, not after the moment has passed. That means when they complain they haven’t seen us forever and try to emotionally guilt us when they’ve just seen us 2 days before it’s a good example to point out their folly to them. I know his parents are very sensible, especially my very practical mother in law and she’ll understand.
5 months into the marriage I still get my husbands favorite food sent over all the time. It used to drive me crazy initially. His take was that she was making it easier for me since I work long hours. I just wish I had more control over our food choices and my kitchen but you have to pick some battles and others aren’t worth it. This one I decided wasn’t worth it. Her heart is in the right place and I should never ever have a problem with my husband’s mother loving him. There are other bigger battles to wage I’m sure in the future. I’ll save the angst for it. You should do the same.