It's been a rough few weeks of sorts. Things I put in the back of my head, dealt with privately and didn't really want to talk about much. My mom's health has kept me up at nights and given me excuses to eat badly, not work out and being unhealthy. I've been wallowing in that misery for what seems like nearly all summer. There are always distractions; thank god for the rest of life, but at the end of the day when I'm alone that one big issue weighs on my mind.

My mother is very close to needing a kidney transplant. Her creatine levels are very low and she has become very anemic. All this above and beyond her pain from her arthiritis has made her very weak. My mother is incredibly brave and has suffered thru years of pain and surgeries and she's only 55. But it's painful to hear her be in pain and not do well. My brother and I aren't a match. Her brothers and sisters haven't exactly been forthcoming about helping her out. They are all a match. I know giving up a organ is a tough choice. I just know that if my brother needed an organ from me there would not be a shadow of doubt in my mind about it.

Organ donation in India, especially in the state of Maharashtra is hairy. Because of past abuses by people who were selling organs and doctors who were stealing them the rules and regulations allow one to get an organ only thru a National registry or relatives. The registry only allows organs to be sought thru cadavers and Hindus do not allow for the desecration of the body before cremation so people are generally not open to donating organs of dead relatives. It's a vicious loop of rules and regulations, most certainly necessary, but one that I desperately wish I could break for my mother.

It's mostly been harder because of the physical distance. This is my home, that is hers. I am not in a position in my life to simply quit this and move. I just bought a new home. I am not financially able to simply take months off and go take care of her. That has been the biggest guilt factor. I feel inadequate and helpless and pathetic. Worrying has managed to piss all over other areas of my life that haven't been broken. And as always the people in my life have been the most incredible support. My father has surprised me. And my girlfriends and even my boys have been just amazing. Even coworkers and my boss, the best boss a girl could ask for, has been great. I can't complain about the other areas of my life. People are and have always been very good to me.

I finally arranged for her to start an alternative pain management acupuncture program which she says is helping her. It gives me a little false sense of satisfaction that I'm doing something. I'm also seeing someone in search of ways to support my mother emotionally. I want to be able to support my mother, make her feel better and not lose my sanity in the process. It has been incredibly helpful. I feel a renewed sense of hope. I know this will work out. I know someone from the family will come forward and help my mother. I have faith in all those people for whom she has done so much in her life. I have faith in relationships that bind people. I know because in my heart I so strongly believe that if I was in need tomorrow there will be people there to help me. I know I will be there for the people I love.

Last night for the first time in a long time I felt open and free and light in a social setting. All set to come home to a glass of Kir, a new addiction, I had no plans for Friday night. It has been a rough week. Between jury duty, travel, vacation & training my entire department has been out including my boss and his boss. It was empowering to hold the fort down but definitely draining. I got pulled in a lot of directions, and meetings on portfolios I don't manage. I also got dragged into a lot of top level decisionmaking I was not necessarily prepared for. I actually did great. I perform well under pressure. Throw me in a pit of fire and I will come out with a great meal. But the week exhausted me. I was tired. Mentally and physically.

When Karthik called and asked me out for a drink I nearly said no. This morning I'm glad I didn't. I needed it. It was a good night. We watched the Knicks kick Miami's ass and drank too many Martinis. Karthik is such an antidote to feeling blue. He certainly knows how to cheer a girl up and make her feel special. I slept in this morning and woke up to the cat growling because there were men on my balcony. After a mini heartattack I closed the blinds and went back to bed. SM meetup tonite. Having lunch with my dad and brother tomorrow. I feel good. Even my mom sounded good this morning on the phone. I know things are going to be OK.